Lessons on Love and Suffering; from life and a book.

I've just finished reading a book and am pondering it's connection in my own life with the journey I've had these last two years through illness and deafness and the challenges, physically, emotionally, and spiritually in dealing with this new disability.

The book is "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. It's an allegorical story of a woman's spiritual journey from being in life's valley of fear and crippling obstacles to the High Places of joy and contentment, like the beautiful, white-capped mountains most of us only dream of visiting. She wishes to have the ability to jump and climb with freedom through the woods and across streams and flower fields to the summits, but must first agree to the path the Shepherd plans for her, to achieve the healing and be equipped and trained for the Kingdom of Love above.

I'm not much of a fantasy-genre fan, and this allegory turned me off many years ago when I tried to pick it up and read it. But this time, I got it! I suppose I've lived enough now and persevered through a few of my own difficult spots in life to be able to relate to many of the emotions alluded to in this story. And there are definitely some lessons to be learned from reading "Hinds' Feet on High Places". I marked a few of the lines that stood out to me as I read the book, and want to share them with you. I'd love to hear your thoughts on these as well, or other passages from this book, if you've read it, too.

The first thing that grabbed my attention was when Much-Afraid (our heroine) begins her journey and the Shepherd stops her by a field of beautiful wild-flowers, saying "Humble yourself, and you will find that Love is spreading a carpet of flowers beneath your feet." She responds by noting the strangeness of multitudes of flowers giving so much beauty and sweetness that no-one will ever see or appreciate. On showing her that the flowers are happy to offer their best anyway, he says, "All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love."

In a Facebook age where you tell your world what you're doing every day or what you ate or how you're feeling, it's a good reminder that some things, maybe the BEST things, are those that you hold closest and most secret between you and your Maker. Personally, the pressures of being a volunteer with a non-profit organization where we must live on donations and seek our support through the faithful giving of others means that we have to "toot our own horn" in a sense to raise that money, or else our work shuts down. It's always a personal challenge to do my work with integrity and leave the results and the support of it in my Lord's hands, without trying to jump in and "help him out" in my way and time. I want to be one of those sweet little flowers, offering my best whether it's noticed and appreciated or not.

Another lesson our heroine learned on her journey through the burning wilderness, where nothing grew on the land and the shoreline was scattered with broken driftwood and tangled masses of shriveled seaweed, was to accept the help of her companions, named Sorrow and Suffering, and to joyfully accept the deep, inner changes in her life that would take place as a result of her struggle to obey the Shepherd's assigned path for her. She looked back to where she had started her journey and could tell that she was already a different person; "I was that woman, but am not that woman now."

She didn't understand how it had happened, but she saw that "for those who go down into the furnace of Egypt (reference to the Hebrew slaves of the Old Testament) and find there the flower of Acceptance come up changed and with the stamp of royalty upon them." "Therefore, though she went with Sorrow and Suffering day after day along the shores of the great sea of Loneliness, she did not go cringingly or complainingly. Indeed, gradually an impossible thing seemed to be happening. A new kind of joy was springing up in her heart, and she began to find herself noticing beauties in the landscape of which until then she had been quite unconscious." In my own experience, I found my six months of deafness a kind of wilderness and time of testing. The Bible refers to the metal workers' refining fire for gold, to boil out the impurities in the mined ore, leaving a purest gold to be worked and molded.

That's how I see my wilderness time, as a refining fire, where I began noticing more and more the beauties of hugs, smiles, extra effort for my benefit, encouraging notes and emails, verses and songs from memory coming to mind at just the right time, and personal messages spoken to my heart from the Father to encourage me along the journey. Now I can look back and see that I have changed in many ways, and though I would wish for the quick healing and restored hearing, I know that what I learned could never have been bought ("priceless") or shared from someone else. I had to walk it on my own and learn it by myself.

Toward the end of the book and the end of our heroine's journey to the summit, she recalls to the Shepherd the lessons she learned. The last one hit me that "every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appears to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to your will can be transformed. Therefore, I begin to think, my Lord, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good."

Wow! Is that a challenge? Not to get angry when I've been lied to or scammed again, when someone steals my identity or account numbers; not to try to get revenge when I am abused or maligned. Not to call a name back or mumble a curse under my breath when someone insults me or just isn't efficient in my estimation. There's a lot to consider here...

In my edition of "Hinds' Feet on High Places" there is a brief autobiography and an abridged "Lessons Learned on the Slopes of the High Places" section by the author written about a retreat in the Swiss Alps where she was touched with this story and the truths she learned. She summarizes why she thinks we are born into this fallen world and entrusted with earthly mortal life...that we may learn, in a way which perhaps we could not do in heaven, how to abandon ourselves to loving God. She writes, "In heaven everyone and everything is lovable..everyone loves everyone else, and in hell no one loves anyone. But on earth we are in a perfect environment for learning how to love as God loves: to abandon ourselves to loving the apparently unlovely people who remind us that in many ways we are still very unlovely ourselves! Love is not a feeling. It is an overmastering passion to help and bless and deliver and comfort and strengthen and give joy to others just as the Lord Jesus always did."

This is definitely something I need to work on, and am so glad I read this book at this time to challenge me in these areas.

One-year Anniversary of Being a Bionic Woman

It's been a learning process, this past year of being implanted on both sides of my head with cochlear implants, and getting the speech processors programmed and adjusted, and then practicing listening in different environments. I immediately had speech discrimination because I had been deaf such a short time and had been fully hearing previously. But I've continued to have "C.I. moments" throughout the year, where new sounds enter, and my brain makes the connection to what it is. These are usually delightful times followed by gratefulness for this technology.

The other morning, my son and I took a walk with the two dogs. We just headed out to the edge of town and kept walking down the path towards some village. We walked past groves of trees, cornfields, termite mounds, all the while avoiding puddles from the night's rain. Occasionally, we'd hear a bird sound that is unique to Africa, with some cool rhythm that we'd repeat and laugh at. I was so pleased to hear these sounds that remind me that I'm in a different world. I love living in Africa, even though there are plenty of discomforts and risks to life and limb that would be outlawed in our "civilized" society back home. But there's a freedom here to wander and explore, with just a little excitement of the unknown, to crank up the adrenalin. The people are lovely and gracious and worth every inconvenience.

I wondered how I'd be able to return to Africa with these hi-tech gadgets making my life live-able again, with the humidity of rainy season and the incessant dust of the dry season threatening the functioning of my equipment. So far, so good. It's rainy season and I've had no problems. We'll see how dry season does come December.

I've backed off on some of my involvements in the on-line community of support for cochlear implant wearers because there are so many caring, articulate people on HearingJourney.com to answer the questions of newcomers that my posts felt redundant. I have had many opportunities to encourage people on the side and direct them to HJ, which became a second family to me during my return to hearing. I still lurk and post on the forum sometimes, but since the live chats are in the middle of my night here, I have only joined in once in the past several months. But I feel that the whole point is to get people back to their normal lives, and I'm a success story in that regard, thank God.

I still struggle to hear when someone is turned away from me and there is ambient noise to drown out their voice. But I've been trying to get back to my BBC radio broadcasts when I'm puttering in the kitchen, and I've noticed an improvement there, too. When we first got back here a few months ago, I felt proud that I sorted out the English channel from the other language channels on my radio dial. Now, I can pick up words and phrases at a time. Still not getting the whole gist of the story most times, but I enjoy the chatter. There are slight quality of sound improvements that I notice once in awhile that encourage me to keep working at it. And I do prefer to watch movies with the subtitles on. My family doesn't mind one bit, and finds that they read nuances and details in the subtitles that they might have missed in the dialogue otherwise.

There are still a few people who read my blog or refer others here for encouragement in their hearing journey, so now I'm one of the experienced ones, a veteran bilateral cochlear implant user. Plus, I'm living in a remote part of the world where there's no audiological support nearby if my "ears" go down, other than my cyber supports. So far, that's been all I needed! Thanks to all of you for cheering me on this year!

Urban African Living with Cochlear Implants

I'm the kind of person who wants to get things right if I'm going to bother doing them. Sometimes, it drives hubby crazy, because he justs wants to get the job done.

When I'm overwhelmed with the size of the job I'm envisioning because I've added so much to it in my mind in order to get it right that I've immobilized myself, I call him in to get the momentum started and then I put the quality control in place that I prefer. We've learned over the years how to work together so we complement each other rather than grate on each other (most of the time...). Happy Anniversary this week, my man!

So, it's been awhile since I've written on this blog. Partly because I wanted to get it right, partly because we've been travelling overseas and overland, and partly because we're just enjoying our family time and being all together again this Summer.

But since this blog is my personal blog, oriented towards my hearing journey and the updates on my cochlear implant, I figured I'd better say something, even if not perfectly written and researched, about how I'm doing with the implants in a different climate and with people of different languages. Maybe my insights may answer a question or help someone else along in their journey.

Living in a third world country is a daily challenge that demands alertness and forethought in order to survive. For example, you can't just go to the store and buy chicken breasts or ground beef; you have to buy the chicken, butcher it, pluck it and clean it out, before cooking with it. Or you go to the fly-infested meat market first thing in the morning and pick your chunk of meat hanging on a hook, and ask the butcher to do an initial de-tendoning to make it easier to slice, grind, or cube. Here in Bamako at my local meat market, guys with on-site grinders take a lot of the work out of preparing ground beef. Also house-helpers can do some of that work and running around, if you make your lists and menus ahead of time.

We have to wash and bleach our fruits and vegetables before eating them, including and especially lettuce leaves. We have to sift the bugs out of the flour, pick rocks out of the rice, and hope our gas bomb doesn't quit in the middle of our cooking. Oh, don't forget to keep the water filter flowing, because running out of drinking water in a hot, dry climate is potentially life-threatening.

Now, I add in the concerns of sensitive bionic implants and speech processors, where I have to re-charge my batteries at night when power surges and outtages are a fact of life. I must say, though, that my surge protector is doing a great job, and as long as I keep all my back-up batteries topped off, I would expect to last through a 3-4 day outtage without worry. I keep my processors in my Dry Aid storage kits at night to minimize humidity issues with the T-Mic microphones, and so far I've not had any problems. The manufacturers of my equipment have done a great job of building in protection against water and dirt damage. Thanks, Advanced Bionics, for giving me my life back.

My main challenge now is the problem with listening environments. Most buildings are brick and cement, with no carpet to dampen accoustical bounce or echoing, so sound goes everywhere and back before I "catch" it. I have to be close to the person speaking and have them face me so the sound is directed at me and so I can see their faces. We're working on finding some wall tapestries and drapes, and maybe a plant of two to help break the sound bounce in this house. But as we keep the windows open for air flow, the metal workers who grind, pound, and unload trucks just on the other side of our wall, are very loud at times and there's not much we can do about that.

I have to ask for repeats often when I'm trying to listen in French, partly because there are many varieties of French out here (those from Paris, those from Quebec, those from Francophone Africa, Chinese people speaking French, Brazilians speaking French, etc...), and then attempting what I can in Bambara, the trade language here, is intimidating. Add to that the noise of fans or swamp coolers, traffic, t.v.s or radios, and normal conversations as background noise, and I'm constantly sorting through layers of sound to pull out what I want to hear. It is certainly a blessed peace to go "off air" for a rest after lunch and at night.

Yesterday, my daughter and I did a little shopping downtown. Trying to fend off pushy vendors in stores with blaring music and no air flow became more than we could handle. After the second such store and some forthright rudeness on our part to get rid of hangers-on who "just wanted to help us" (right! I've had my purse stolen twice before, thanks), we found our ice cream and pastry shop with air conditioning and peace, and sat for an hour chatting. Here again, I struggled to understand her, but I was glad for the coolness and calm anyway.

The other day, I went to a large conference where I was escorted to the front seats as a V.I.P. While I didn't ask for the special treatment, that's how it is out here and you must receive it graciously. I found that it was another blessing as I could hear better situated in front of the speakers and I could see the action better, except for the photographers who sometimes blocked my view of the stage. So that was a surprisingly good experience.

Another of my challenges is talking to taxi drivers when 1) the windows are down or broken out so the wind blows in and the street noise is loud, 2) he's facing the front and I'm in back, 3) his car is rattling and the brakes squeal and shut me down momentarily, 4) many taxi drivers are Bambara-only speakers (back to the language problem). I found that if I negotiate the price before I get in so we're in agreement about where I'm going and how much it costs, then I don't have to "socialize" during the trip. If he tries to talk to me and I can't hear well, I just say I can't hear well and enjoy the trip. That's that. I hope he isn't offended or think I'm aloof, but in this culture, strange men and women aren't really supposed to interact anyways, although for foreigners, that's a little different. I say "Merci, or I-ni-chay" and go on my way when I arrive.

Most people are gracious and understanding if I explain why I'm struggling to understand them. I do prefer, sometimes, to let other people do the communicating. It helps to have hubby or one of my kids around to re-state something or interpret for me when I'm really stuck. I'm used to their voices, so that usually solves the problem. Every once in awhile, though, I just say, "tell me later", or "oh, well, I hope it doesn't really matter", and move on.

So, that's where I'm at in this journey so far. Grateful that I can "hear" again, but struggling with the quality that comes in. I'm functioning and doing as much as I can, and then passing off the duties that I can't to others. Answering phone calls, especially when they might be in another language with someone with little phone skills is not a success, but dealing with matters by email or on Skype is fine.

Having successes day by day and grateful for all my supporters and resources,

Lisa

Catching Up and Going Back...or is it Forward?

Well, my last post several weeks ago was cheering on some reality show contestants with physical challenges, besides that provided by the producers. To date, Scott on American Idol has been voted off, but Luke and Margie are still on The Amazing Race. They've been having some interpersonal spats with other contestants that shows their fatigue at this point in the race. I hope they can end gracefully, in whichever position they achieve. It would be nice to see them win.

Meanwhile, I've been doing some travelling with my family, speaking in churches that support our work in Africa and giving them an update on our current plans to return to Mali with my hearing situation. For Spring Break, we drove to Minot, ND, and renewed friendships there with my college roommate and her family and church. As we drove back, we enjoyed watching flock after flock of Canada Geese heading north in formation after a long winter. We also stopped to play in a huge snowdrift by the side of the highway, but otherwise avoided the flooding and snowfall before and after our visit.

Once the weather started to show signs of Spring, I started walking outside again and enjoying the sounds of woodpeckers and other birds getting busy with their work of living. It is such a pleasure to hear these things again, as I recall where I was at last year at this time. I had survived a difficult case of malaria and dysentery, with some complications that convinced my doctor to give me an antibiotic that "nuked" my hearing. I arrived back in the States on April 18th, my birthday, last year, profoundly deaf in both ears.

For six months, I was in shock at my new circumstances and the feeling of complete dependence on my husband and family to interpret my world for me. Then I got my first cochlear implant, which restored my sense of confidence and hope as I could once again have conversations with people and listen to the radio and t.v. Doing so well with the first one, I got the second implant in my other ear and the feeling of being balanced in hearing again was confirmation that I could plan on getting back to my "life" and work.

Now, many months later, I am still hesitant to talk on the phone, but can do it if necessary and will make the best of trying to understand. Noisy restaurants and riding in the car are still listening challenges, but I do think that music is improving. And voices don't sound like chipmunks anymore!

So, we have booked our tickets to fly back to Africa on June 8th, leaving from Chicago. We have a few more speaking engagements before then, and lots of sorting and packing to do. We also need to continue presenting our work for people's consideration of charitable donation. Here is a link to our agency's personal page for us, with buttons near the top to make on-line donations or commitments: http://http//worldventure.com/Missionaries/Missionary-Directory/Missionary/Seward_Tom_Lisa.html

Thanks for considering if you'd like to be a prayer or financial partner with us in a difficult but rewarding work. We are helping down-trodden women learn to read and write, children be able to go to school, pastors be able to serve the locals in their villages, young people learn English and expand their view of the world, and much more. To see an archive and many pictures of our blog, check this out: http://tomseward.com/

I'm so glad I could share with you today. Thanks for stopping by.

Cheering for the disabled competitors on The Amazing Race and American Idol!

I'm celebrating two t.v. shows that are giving disabled people a real shot at winning. And, I'm cheering those two individuals on, hoping they can out-perform their competition and show the world in a classy way that although they have a disability, they can still function, and even thrive, in life.

My favorite show is The Amazing Race, because I often feel like these racers when I'm travelling, having to improvise and problem-solve to get where I need to go. This season on the show, there is a couple, a mom and her deaf son, Margie and Luke, who are doing well so far. He expressed some frustration at not being able to communicate with other competitors because they don't know sign language. He is somewhat dependent on his mom to interpret for him, but he can read the clues and does well in the challenges. This past episode showed a team of girls trying to write notes to get to know him. I liked that, because I remember how people had to write for me when my lipreading wasn't working. I also like how Phil, the host, when he's standing at the Pit Stop, signs which place they've arrived at, making a special effort to meet Luke on his terms. Go Margie and Luke!

The other show is American Idol, where there is a contestant who sings and plays piano totally blind. He has to be guided onto the stage, but once he gets there, he's great! His name is Scott MacIntyre, and we'll see tonight if America moves him on to the next stage of the competition. Even Simon Cowell had big praise for his performance last night and felt that he has great potential and is relevant, despite his disability. Go Scott!

Sometimes, a disability can become a real ability when handled with a good attitude. People can see the struggle and appreciate the effort that goes in to overcoming life's obstacles. However, a few seasons ago on The Amazing Race, there was a team of cousins where one of them was a "little person". She fought hard to keep up and really tried to pull her weight even though at times you could see that her cousin had to do more than her share to make up for the things the little person just couldn't do. After a while, their attitude of fighting to show that little people are worthy became irritating and offensive; she really took a victim posture and lost my respect.

I think that a better way to earn the respect of people is to do your best and work hard and try to have an "attitude of gratitude" and grace to meet the challenges of life, realizing that everyone has their own set of challenges. It's been 11 months since I went deaf and my world changed, but there have been some really good changes and outcomes amidst the challenges and frustrations. I have made new friends in the cochlear implant world and learned much about hearing and deafness. I have a new compassion for the disabled because now I am one. My family and I have had to adjust and be adaptable and understanding with each other with the changes in our plans and how we now look at things like travelling and our future work in Africa. By the way, we plan on returning to our life and work in Mali in June, even though it will be interesting to see how being dependent on a high-tech gadget in a third-world country works. I need to start now with crafting my explanations in the languages in which we are learning to work over there...

Anyway, I am inspired by these competitors who are fighting to win, as I take my life's work to task and follow the Bible's instruction in 1 Corinthians 9:24, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win". Of course, this isn't talking about The Amazing Race television show, but the amazing race of my life. Am I running it to win? I hope so.

Two Weeks of Meetings at HQ

After two weeks of meetings in Denver, Tom and I are back home and settled into our routine again. The meetings were a kind of real-life test of hearing effectiveness for me. Some of the meetings were held in a mid-size conference room with about 20 people around a U-shaped table arrangement. Generally only one person was speaking at a time and I could see them and follow well. Just like in noisy restaurants, when lots of people are talking at the same time, it's harder to "zero in" on the conversation in which I'm taking part. But overall, I was encouraged that I could participate in the discussions and even catch most of the jokes. There was one participant who had a ready, loud, distinctive laugh who drowned out some of the jokes when she sat beside me, but I just laughed along anyway!

The second week, we were moved to a big hotel where the conference room held 100-150 people around 10-chair tables. When we were listening to a speaker or musician, I caught most of that as well, because the sound came out of speakers aimed at the audience and my T-mic microphones picked it up well. When we had big-group prayer times where various people around the room prayed, I could hear very little of that because of the distance and lack of amplification, and because people often pray quieter and with their heads bowed. I took comfort in the fact that other people struggled to hear as well.

The worst listening scenario was during the Recognition Luncheon when we were in a big ballroom where the program was piped out of speakers in the ceiling. There was no direction to the sound; it just got lost all over the room. With the clanking of silverware and glasses and the squirmy children and servers doing their thing, I could understand next to nothing from the podium. I was near the back of the room as well, so my visual cues were limited. I did catch when they called our name to go forward for recognition for our years of service with the mission. I felt that many people who knew of my situation this past year were cheering a little extra, glad to see me back in the game.

By the time we left to come back home, I felt reinvigorated by the fun relationship time we had and the spiritual renewal times. I was charged up with ideas for follow-up on areas of ministry both here while we're Stateside and for our work back in Mali. But most of all, I felt like I functioned nearly normally and that my gifts and availability for service are still needed and useful. Tom and I need to gear-up now for our return to Africa at the end of the school year.

We need to start looking at buying our plane tickets, sorting and packing our things stored here at my mom's house, continue our speaking engagements and efforts to discover the rest of our needed monthly financial support, and work on all the other details of finishing the school year, and getting my speech processors ready for a year overseas. I need to set up a meeting with my surgeon, my main audiologist and me to strategize how to best arrange my programs for maximum effect while keeping third world challenges in consideration.

New mappings, new results, shows progress!

We had a busy Christmas holiday, travelling to Florida to see family and getting in a little fun on the side, too.

Last week, I had my third mapping on my new implant which gave me the Hi-Res 120 quality programming, which is more than just the volume increases we were going for initially when getting that ear to "wake up". The Hi-Res 120 gives better sound quality, and as my brain adjusts to these impulses, I can expect to hear more nuances of voices and music. My daughter, Hilary, went with me to the audiologist's office for that mapping and found he whole process interesting. She saw the audiologist working with the computer and the programs to give me the best sound, but also doing some creative problem-solving to help rehab my hearing. Hilary thought it might be a good career consideration, except that it's a bit more science-oriented than she's been gearing up for.

I had another mapping yesterday; this time it was my 3-month mapping for my first ear and my 1-month mapping for my 2nd ear. But before we sat down at the computer, the audiologist took me to the sound booth to test how I was doing with my first implant. My mother-in-law came with me this time and sat in the booth while I listened for the quietest possible sound I could hear, and got in the normal range for that test. Also, I repeated sentences that I heard over the speaker with no visual cues, and I got 98% right! After that, I repeated random isolated words and got 20 out of 25 right. The audiologist was so pleased with my results, and so was I, of course.

Now, I'm getting ready to travel to our mission's headquarters with my hubby for two weeks of meetings and training. This will be a kind of test for me on a new level to see how I can integrate back into my functioning world, outside of my home or church environment where I am comfortable. We will be in small groups, big meeting rooms, workshops, and travelling on the train (just for a new adventure!). I am planning on bringing a few of my "toys", like my mini-FM system in case I need a little help in the big meeting room hearing the speakers or music. I anticipate that air conditioning fans and chairs moving around and other distracting sounds might be a problem in hearing a speaker, so this system might be a real help. I also have a mini-microphone for talking one-on-one in noisy situations, which might help me, too.

All-in-all I feel encouraged by my progress and can see that I'm improving in my ability to function as a normal hearing person (with a little help!).