Gifts and giving

By the title, you might assume I'm just late in reporting on Christmas happenings. While Christmastime reminds us of who, what, why and how much we want to spend on giving each year, this post is broader than that. I'm processing some new insights into the culture in which I'm living as different from the one in which I grew up, and applying those thoughts to concerns I have of helping in Haiti, for example.

(By the way, caption on this photo is a humorous story about gifting...this is my friend, Naomi. See the necklace she's wearing on Christmas Day? Last Christmas, my mom gave us all Lady Godiva chocolates wrapped in these pretty ribbons with bangles, and I saved them from everybody's box and tucked them in my suitcase to bring to Mali. For my Christmas gifts to my friends this year, I wrapped them in these Godiva embellishments, and to my surprise, Naomi was wearing hers proudly the next morning at church!)

Crossing cultures reveals our limitations in language and local know-how, but also brings irritations when the things I expect to happen don't, or I sense that I'm not doing something that is expected of me. The area of gift-giving is one of those personal places where adjustments in thinking and attitude often happen, and probably need to happen more.

As an American, I'm used to giving a gift with a reasonable expectation of reciprocation. We want to know that our relationships are both give and take, otherwise one person starts to feel they're been taken advantage of. Also, in many circles, re-gifting is considered in poor taste, except in White Elephant gift exchanges at Christmastime. And if someone forgets to say "thank you" for a gift, they are certainly marked as thoughtless at best and rude at worst.

While seemingly obvious social standards, these are just cultural values for Americans and some other Western societies, but are not worldwide human rules of behavior. I have been reading a helpful little booklet called, The Essentials: A guide for team members going to Mali, by Face to Face International, a group who helps short-term teams going to various places around the world be prepared for the traveling and culture to which they are going to serve. While I have lived in West Africa for many years now, there are still areas which I don't understand yet and which "rub me the wrong way" when dealing with friends and strangers here, including gift-giving.

A quote given in this booklet is by Malian Djingarey Maiga, "Gifts are the link with your neighbors, your parents, your relatives. If you can't keep that link, you are not a human being." And yet Mali is near the bottom of Human Development Index reports for quality of life and poverty levels, and rights and opportunities for women. Many people live on $1 a day or less so how can they afford to give gifts all the time?

I come in as the "rich American", and try to balance wanting to help people in real, tangible ways, with not creating a dependency on "foreign aid" or my limited monthly budget. So, I give money to some, jobs to others, food assistance to a few, and hand-me-down clothes and stuff to whoever wants it. Figuring out who to give to and not create jealousies or injustices among friends has been a concern.

But then, sometimes I'll see an article of clothing that I gave one family on a child of another family, and I know that what I gave to one was shared with others, and that makes me feel good. If I was offended that my gift was "re-gifted" to someone else, I'd be missing one of the good points about Malian gift-giving, in that by "paying forward" and sharing with others, we're making the community as a whole stronger and better connected, and also taking care of the sick and poor. I don't have to feel embarrassed about children going through my garbage or offering my outgrown or unwanted clothes to my friends because they will take what they want or need and share with the less fortunate who need as well. I just feel good about getting rid of my clutter, but I can feel good about it going to people who need it as well.

So, gift-giving is not based on exchange or equivalence between giver and receiver, although everyone eventually receives gifts because that's part of the connection to the community. My gifts might be more in the area of finances or goods, while the gifts given to me are more in the area of services and cultural support and information. One thing that is equal and expected here is the cultural greeting that shows respect for the other person. When meeting someone new for the first time and also each day or "session" of being together, people go through an elaborate greeting ritual, asking about health, family, work, etc... putting people on equal ground before saying the truth of your health and that of your family. As efficient, task-oriented Americans, we are often impatient with the ritual and feel that saying we're fine, the family's fine, etc... is dishonest when really we're sick.

But giving that basic human level of respect and a moment of time, is a huge gift that shows I care about these people and that we can move our relationship ahead. All gifts given here, whether abstract gifts of respect and honor, or gifts of time and service, or of money or groceries, have strings attached to them which hold the relationships together and create the social network that functions here. STRINGS ATTACHED TO MY GIFTS? Another area of annoyance for Americans.

And since giving is so much the base of life here, it's often expected that if someone needs something and I have it, they have the right to ask me for it; that I'm willing to share of my abundance, even if it's only electricity off my line or lemons off my tree. (When it's something special that I've brought over from America and I know they don't understand the sacrifice they're asking or that they wouldn't know how to use it or enjoy it, I politely refuse; I do have my limits.) But since it's expected, there's not always a “thank you” to accompany the gift. Do you sense several annoyances here already?

Anyway, I know of several people who are in Haiti or planning to go to Haiti to help there in the coming weeks and months. I've been thinking about some of these inherent cross-cultural differences, and how that might impact the effectiveness of someone's efforts. Nevermind the obvious problems of eating, drinking and staying healthy in a place of catastrophic destruction or even war. Isn't there a responsibility by the “heroes” descending en masse to make an effort at being culturally appropriate? Washing sores and giving out vitamins and clean water might indeed safe a life; I've done that here. But I'm afraid that some of the “heroes” who have their own set of needs, limitations and expectations might go in blindly to the culture and do more harm than good among the Haitians. Being a highly moved and motivated human being does not necessarily translate to being an effective rescuer, and those who go in without making local connections and doing some real research on where they're going may just be adding to the problem by being in the way or even drawing resources away to take care of them, or worse yet, by offending the people they've gone to save.

Sometimes, gifts wrapped in the wrong packages or given for the wrong motivations, seem more of a curse than a blessing. I'm afraid that altruistic gifts of time or life-saving supplies wrapped in ugly American pride and ignorance, or given out of a “hero” mentality, could have that effect on the already hurting Haitians. I pray that God will take people's humble efforts at doing good works for others and make them truly good and effective.

I am so grateful for the gift of my cochlear implants, and for the little bit of giving I can do as a result of being re-connected to relationships through my hearing. I think of the researchers and developers who gave their time and intellect to develop this technology, and the audiologists who help us to be able to use it. We are all connected in different ways and domains to make this human experience interesting and effective. Even if we see things from different perspectives, the “pay it forward” concept works anywhere!

And as a Christian, I'm most grateful for the ultimate gift of Jesus. Ok, a little belated Christmas ending!